pushing forward

I am pushing forward, and it’s hard, and it’s good.

I wrote once that I felt like I was in a cocoon. A part of me saying that was because I felt like I was in a process of metamorphosis, a process of real and lasting change. Well now, the cocoon feeling is only increasingly accurate because I left Durham, my home for nearly the last seven years.

I live in Greensboro now, and it’s been an adventure since I got here.

Now, it feels like it’s just me and God. I am free from all my former commitments in my former place of residence. I’m both figuratively and literally in a new place by myself, and I have spent the majority of my time on my own, reflecting and processing about whatever I want for as long as I feel it necessary. I feel simultaneously independent and dependent; I’m free to be and do as I please and yet aware of how much I need. I am perhaps even a bit more vulnerable to the uncertainties of life, isolated from the familiar people, places, and things that have made me feel safe.

Consequently, I am already feeling different. Change for me has not come easily, and I expect that it will be that way for a while. And the cocoon feeling persists.

While here, I have already realized that there is a freedom that comes with not having those commitments. I have been free to travel, to be with family and friends and strangers, to spread love here and there, and it’s been sincerely wonderful.

To me, it’s all been a sign of how God has something more for me. I’m still discerning what that something is, and fortunately I have the freedom to explore that while here in my little cocoon. That’s what I’m pushing forward towards.

One enduring struggle for me has been in getting others to affirm where I am going, to understand my pushing and agree that it’s good. I have wanted acceptance and approval from the people I love, the people to whom I had committed.

I know now that, as much as I want the affirmation of my loved ones, I may never get it; they may never be able to grant it. And as hard as that is to accept, I know I must accept it because I must push forward with or without it, and so I keep pushing.

I imagine how ideal it would be to change into a butterfly knowing that I would always have people alongside to fly with me and tell me how much they care for me, how I’m doing the right thing, and all that jazz.

The reality is that I am changing, that the presence of affirming, supportive people has always been uncertain and imperfect, that I have to know that I am loved and cared for, and that I have to have faith that I’m doing the right thing here. I believe these things are true, and I believe that I will continue to go on to greater expressions and demonstrations of love. That’s what I’m pushing towards.

I have had to do some grueling work to earn my own change and even more to keep it, and I promise I will not give it up so easily. My current status is one with growing portions of progress, all for which I am thankful.

I should also say, I’ve been writing here less and less for a lot of reasons, most importantly because I want to tell my story freely. There will always be more to tell, and I refuse to use more energy being an author when I’m already the protagonist in an unfinished, multifaceted adventure entitled “living my life.”

So if you want to know what’s going on with me here, just know I am with God in Greensboro, growing up and pushing forward, and I anticipate that it won’t be the last thing I do. If you want to know more, I suppose you should just reach out; that’s what I would do.

Love Love Love,

Jesse

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5 thoughts on “pushing forward

  1. Much appreciated your comment about “not writing cuz I’m living!” — continuing to pray for you and feel free to update me soon, been thinking about you this past week.

  2. Pingback: i am grateful | SUCH IS LIFE.

  3. Pingback: i believe i can fly | SUCH IS LIFE.

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