i am grateful

The three words that best sum up my current status: I am grateful.

Of course, I am greater than the sum of my parts, so my words will never capture all for which I am grateful. Obviously if you know me, you know that I am grateful to be free from academic oppression i.e. to be graduating! I am also grateful for countless lessons learned, for several relationships (gained, maintained, and lost), and for lots of love, hope, and contentment in the midst of uncertainty.

There are still many questions I have about life and how things will come together. I started this blog with lots of questions, and I think I have even more now. I also started this blog with lots of unresolved bitterness, and I think much of that has been replaced with gratefulness.

To be clear, it’s been a while since I’ve written here—almost nine months exactly. I had last left you with metaphors about cocoons and promises that I was pushing forward. I had decided to take some time away because I realized how deeply bitter and discontent I was, and I wanted to focus undividedly on changing that. A lot of that quarter-life crisis thing was my process of discovering and dealing with a generous amount of bitterness and discontentment that I had found and was struggling to uproot.

So I stopped blogging, and I re-committed to God and to myself, and goodness… God worked on me, day by day, week by week, month by month. Some of it was through church, ministry, community, and all of that typical stuff. A good bit of it though was in little intimate moments living without other people in my little apartment, where I could be myself without any filter or reservation. I am better for loving myself in those spaces and letting God love me into greater contentment for all that I have and all who I am.

And talk about learning, growth, and connection. I know and love myself so much more and better now.

I am grateful that I learned to love living by myself. I developed tastes for red wine, breakfast smoothies, long baths, and spontaneous dance sessions all over my apartment. I laughed wholeheartedly into lightheaded dizziness too many times to recall. I also released a memorably good, ugly cry in my bedroom; it was wonderfully cathartic, and those tears gave me insight about guarding my heart more successfully. I enjoyed walking around without pants and sleeping warmly in my own bed. I thought about my loved ones often and left notes for myself so I would remember my worth and purpose.

I can go on and on about the last nine months away from this blog space, but here’s the thing– you readers will never really know all that took place. You will just have to take my words. Y’all will just have to trust me when I say that I’m so much better now.

I am still uncertain about a lot. This time around though, I am grateful. I don’t feel entitled to any particular blessings. As much as I would love to be in a committed intimate relationship and to have gainful employment in line with my career aspirations and so on, I am content right where I am. I have peaceable appreciation for the gifts that I have been blessed to receive because I know that they didn’t have to come my way. And it is not just that life could be worse but also that I can see the present goodness of life now—even trivial things can incite substantial feelings of a life being well lived. And that kind of stuff makes a world of difference.

Of course, my graduation is not trivial. I am eager and ecstatic to be graduating with a Master’s in Counseling, and that’s a major reason why I have returned here. I will have time and energy to dedicate here again, and that’s just wonderful. There’s also so much else apart from graduation that has happened and that is happening, and I hope to share some of that with you in the moments to come.

Love Love Love,

Jesse

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4 thoughts on “i am grateful

  1. In line with the title of this post – I am grateful for your time away from blogging and for the wrestlings during that time which have obviously produced great fruit in your life. Thanks once again for sharing friend.

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