i believe i can fly

I believe I can fly.

Over a year ago, I shared here that I was in a cocoon, and since then, I’ve sought to share in so many ways how I am changing completely. However, this change isn’t trivial or superficial– this is metamorphosis. This is me transforming from a grounded caterpillar into a liberated butterfly. It’s kind of a big deal.

Well now, I have exited the cocoon, and I am me. I see myself and think “This is me as I was created to be. This is me becoming who I have always been. This is REALLY me.”

I should go ahead and acknowledge that some of y’all (maybe many of y’all) won’t really understand what I am saying. You probably won’t really hear me clearly. I accept that. I will still share and trust that it will move this story forward.

Anyway, this is me, and I am made new. I know you thought I was something incredible before, but I’m telling you, that was child’s play. Now, I have changed into a butterfly of sorts, and I am learning more about this adult version of myself. I am eagerly preparing to fly and excited about what is to come.

I know that sounds kind of silly: “I’m a butterfly.” I remember telling a group of people this, and they kind of laughed me to scorn. At the time, I felt disrespected, but I realize now that they just didn’t understand the deep and core significance of what I was telling them.

Again, folks won’t get it sometimes, maybe a lot of times. Such is life.

I shared that reality here once before too, when I first moved to Greensboro last August. It’s almost been a whole year now that I have lived here. I have been learning and growing and connecting so much. It’s funny to imagine all of that as more preparation and development for something greater.

Throughout the past year, I’ve looked for affirmation and acceptance. I’ve wanted understanding and approval. I’ve wanted to be desired intimately and fulfilled completely, and goodness, I was looking for all of these things.

I was searching, and I came to find that, apart from God, these things REALLY are empty, always leaving more to be desired. I would think I found some positive attention, but it wasn’t enough. I would think I found someone special, but that individual couldn’t give me what I wanted when I wanted it the most.

So much has happened as I sought these things. And when I say so much, I cannot understate how much “SO MUCH” happened. I’m sure I will offer glimpses and smidgeons and anecdotes of that here, but trust me, it is a lot.

I can say this though: I realized that I was lacking integrity and authenticity in my core.

And that was really tough to bear when I profess commitment to those things but knew, deep deep deep down, that I needed more congruence myself. I had to admit to myself and to God first, before I could say it to anyone else, that I wasn’t able to be and do all that I believe in, that I kept looking away from God and to people, that I didn’t really trust myself. The more I confessed those things, the more I understood why I kept erring as I did– I was trying to do something that only God could do in me.

After realizing all of this, I kept encountering God and feeling God at work on my heart. One encounter was at my church while worshipping. The worship leader said that God has infinite value and worth, and, since we are made in God’s image, that we have infinite value and worth.

Of course, there’s usually more than one thing going on, but this one thing struck me from within. I think this revelation helped me to crack my cocoon open. It reminded that all of that good stuff I was looking for boils down to love, and God’s love for me (and you) is infinite.

I believe that I was created to be loved. And I believe that the God who created me is love. And I believe that the more I lean into my relationship with that God, the more I can tap into my identity, my purpose, and my direction, and the more I can be fulfilled and filled full with that love. That revelation impressed love on my heart and changed me from the inside out, and I was profoundly informed and impacted.

Somehow, I REALLY gave God my heart, like all of it—my deepest desires, strongest passions, and greatest loves; I will never be the same.

So here I am, believing that I can fly. There’s so much still that remains unknown. None of this has been or will be easy, but I believe that it is right, that it’s for our good and for God’s glory.

I’m believing for some things that seem impossible, and I have no idea how they will come to fruition. I am hopeful and determined though. I am looking to God to do the miraculous, and I am confident that if I keep God first, let love be my guide, and let the truth be my standard, I will not go astray. I know that I will continue to make mistakes and wrestle against opposing forces, but I am trusting that God’s love will remain infinite, that God’s grace will be sufficient, and that God’s faithfulness will prevail.

Love Love Love,

Jesse

p.s. If you have questions about any of this, you should get in line behind me. I have lots of faith, hope, and love for the journey ahead along with too many questions to count.

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